A Student Handbook for Canoeing

Murphy's Law: 
  • If anything can go wrong in a rapid, it will. 
Murphy's Corollary: 
  • If there is a worse time for a maneuver to fail, it will happen then. 
Hawthorn's Laws: 
  • I. No Matter what the result can be, there is someone always willing to try it.
  • II. No matter what occurs, there is always someone who believes it wasn't his/her fault.
  • III. No matter what the result was, there is always someone eager to try it again.
Tim's Motto: 
  • Smile, the next rapid will be worse.
Summary of Ground Rules for Canoeing: 
  1. When you do not know what you are doing, do it loudly.
  2. All maneuvers must be repeatable. They should all fail in the same way.
  3. Experience is directly proportional to the equipment ruined.
  4. A record of all dumps is essential. It proves that you are experienced.
  5. In case of doubt, run it on the right.
  6. Do not believe in miracles, rely on them!
  7. Team work is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.

The Wisdom of Your Instructors Distilled and Condensed for Your Benefit.

Harry & Don's Theory: 
  • If a maneuver works, you must be doing something wrong.
Jarrell's Constant: 
  • That quantity of rain, which when added to or subtracted from the present water level, would have allowed your maneuver to work.
Wissner's Axiom: 
  • When all else fails, lean upstream.
Pokey's Law: 
  • The probability of a given event occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
Kon-O-Kwee Ordering Principle: 
  • The quantities of rain necessary for yesterday's trip must fall no later than tomorrow noon.
Bugby's Compensation: 
  • A trip may be considered successful if no more than half of the truth must be discarded to impress your friends.
Roberts' Consolation: 
  • No trip is ever a complete failure. It can always be used as a bad example.
Lloyd's Handy Guide to Nature: 
  • If it's green, or wiggles, it is alive. If it's smelly or stinks, it is pollution. If it doesn't work, it is your partner.
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